Through the good times.

Chanced upon a photo that I miss the bond where work is sucha fun place to be despite the nasty customers: 

Gone.

I don't even need a look. It's nowhere to be found. The ugly side of humanity. 

X.

One down!

This is our happy faces for being the first team for the presentation & we got so bored. Finally the first bridging module done, one more to go before my official class starts. 

It's a love hate thing with my off week. Haven't been feeling exactly happy but thank God for those who stayed with me to cheer me on. Thanks for being there whenever I had to breakdown. Breakdown is not because of the same person anymore. Breaking down is feeling sorry for myself why did I allow myself to meet sucha guy. Who had never spare the slightest thought even when things has to end. I've never met someone like this & I'm not gonna meet another like that. I can do better than this.

Oh hello my new love, pokky! :

Gonna take pokky to wherever I go, she's so cute, she's prepared to bathe all the time! Gotta crash for the same shithole at work again, I rlly need a change of working environment ; for a fresh start. I pray hard my healing process it's not gonna take longer than expected. Someone said this to me, " it's gonna hurt while it's healing." No matter how fragile it is to be me, it's my fault entrusting the wrong person to not hurt me. It's my fault thinking he's not gonna be another heartbreaker, not gonna be so heartless. I'm all wrong. I almost believed he even loved me. I'm sucha joke. 

How long does it take?

Today I cried again. Out loud. Shouting "很痛" as I cried it all out. Keep repeating this until I finally fall asleep again after being tired of crying. Gawd, I swear I don't wanna be weak. If being weak now is gonna make me grow stronger, I guess I've no choice but to do it the hard way. 

I admit I feel insecure & empty. I know I can always confide with someone but I chose not to. Cos I find it disgusting if someone ends a rs & looks for another companion to fill that emptiness within. & thats not genuine love. So I tell myself, if it's gonna look so disgusting, I'm not gonna do that even though everyone might think I'm silly being emotional here. 

I get into a rs believing it's fate that brought us together. & this makes me cherish every moment with him cos i wanna believe everything is genuinely true. Only getting into another rs after 3 years is only for a reason. I don't wanna get myself hurt when I know it's not gonna work. There're guys I've met & feel for after detaching myself from a long commitment. I tell myself if things are alr unstable, nothing promising is gonna happen in the near future. I've been reflecting bout myself. Thinking why would I receive judgement bout how indecent I am. Saying I get into temporary flings. I touched my heart & search for answers. I haven't done anything that pricks my conscience & I'm very sure of that. 

I don't get replacements, I don't seek for another companion whenever I feel empty or lonely. I just want my friends who are true to me to be there. I'll built myself walls at night asking why are these happening to me. & I stubbornly want to abide my own values & principles. 

Though my rs has ended this time round. I touched my heart & know deep down I've loved who he was when things hasn't changed & that I've put my heart & soul into it which explains why I am so broken tonight. Vice versa, if someone's moving along too quickly, what does it says bout someone? 

Gdnight.

Better things are coming.

School has officially started since last week. Now that my wkends are burnt with school, I can't even sleep for as long as I could even on Sundays. 

Went over the folks' place sat evening after work plus school. Feeling guilty calling 奶 one night breaking down on the phone. I just couldn't handle all that I've been going through all together. Every now & then she's worried bout me & never fails to call just to check on me. Had a good conversation with the folks over dinner that evening, though I cried quite a bit even before I enter the house. Returning back to the folks' arms pouring whatever unhappiness that happened made me feel comforted at ease. I'm rlly thankful at least I still have my folks there for me despite all that has happened. 

In my folks' eyes, they will never judge nor will they leave me. & ultimately, I know they truly cares & loves me for whats in me. My only wish now is to want my folks to attend my wedding & carry my very own baby. & I made them promise me that sat evening. I just wanna pray for their health & to be there for me for as long as they could. 

Moving along, I just wanna stay focus on my work & school. I knw I've better things to be happier about. 

I may take a longer time to pick the pieces, but I'm sure I will make it there & better than anyone of you. 

Happier photo on a Monday after work:

Missing that lost baobei.

Here I am looking for my baobei that I lost him couple of months back ago. He told me he'll always be around should anything bad happen to me. He said no matter what happens, who bullies me, he's gonna be there. Right now, I couldn't find him back. Should anyone find him, pls return him to me. I beg you, cos I've fallen apart, & he was the only one who could hug me & tell me everything's gonna be fine. I rlly do miss him. 

Picking the pieces.

Very much that I wanna get up on my feet to continue with the working days & the school days which is starting very soon, my body couldn't take it anymore.

Back to the days of not eating & slping well when I got myself better. One whole string of mishaps that I had people whom I thought always protects me are backstabbing me. Never would I want to imagine how did I survive the day without food & just feeling so fearful what's happening. I swear with my life I was gaddamn terrified. Ironically, the one who's suppose to protects me from all harm is the one making me feel the worst. Until now, it doesn't make sense to me why is this my fault when I was the one being told. 

However I told myself, rmb those that brought you down today sharlene. For taking my trust for granted & took me as a fool. You guys had no idea how y'all broke my heart. I had enough of the lies. I wish y'all well in your dark society that I'll never get involved with. 

So much bout the sufferings, I'm still not done & over it with. Sadly, puking & diarrhoea has been what kept me occupied through the wkends. Oh, & tgt with my cramps. I felt like I'm dying anytime with hardly any strength. Everything just combo tgt ya. & I got so pissed. It's like I'm crying for pain physically & mentally. I can go crazy. Then again, I check my surroundings & check again, who's there when times like these I needed help. 

My face white as sheet I drag my feet & cab to work thinking sat will be manageable tho I'm unwell. Totally forgetting I've switched my sat previously with nana i made a wasted trip to work & my colleagues told me to go home looking how pale I was. I rlly have no idea what has gotten into me. Why did I get myself into sucha mess. I don't even recognise myself anymore. I just want to feel better, can I? Please.? 

I just wanna recover fast & be back on track. Right now I'm heavily on medication cos I convinced the doctor awhile ago not to jab me as he's afraid I'll vomit my meds & it's not gonna heal me. This is so torturing, I hate myself. Argh sharlenelau, fighting~!! 

To the next beautiful love.

Bid the last goodbye.

I cried with all my remaining strength I could to tell myself to stop loving this man I thought I knew. Today, I kissed each of these with my eyes shut & tears rolling down to bid the last goodbye. Goodbye to the man, I never knew. Never knew how heartless he'll be abusing the trust I gave him. 

I used to always tell my friends how grateful I have him being honest with me. I feel carefree when I can always allow him go wherever he wants just informing me he's out with friends. All that has happened, he's just one of them that I couldn't trust anymore. All along I only knew our issues could always be solved if we wanted to. I guess this is the fate that allows me to see his true self when things got ugly. 

Why too is it my fault knowing the truth when I was told? Why was I blame when nobody knew how much I struggled knowing I was being lied right in my face from the one who's suppose to matter the most? The times when I was critised & discrimination hurting my pride, has anyone ever know how I feel deep down despite the fact that I know the truth. 

If always being there no matter how tired I am during the night doesn't shows how much I could love. Every night that I've never rejected watching running man, going for supper when you complain you're hungry again, & to just even sit in the dining watch you eat no matter how tired I am, shows I'm someone you will never want to meet breaks my heart hearing you say. 

& if each time you'll say you're feeling down/stress at work that I always try to be there for you as much as I could to show you my support is being considered the worst girlfriend, tell me what should I do. Of all the times that we've argued, you blame me for ordering the wrong food & all I could do is to sit there silently to cry after having a day at work, how did I forgive you when you hug me & apologised. 

Through the times when I've ever right reason to be angry with you, you didn't show the slightest compromise & in turn compared me with your ex that she wouldn't behave like how I did. 

All that I've done, cabbing in the middle of the night to your place bcos I'm worried of your fever was one of my worst night ever. I've never swallowed so much insult when all I did was to care for you. So much so much tears that I shed for you, look what you've done to destroy me. 

Every single moment that we're tgt, believing or not. I've cherished the times all I could. I've always been thankful with all the showering of love when things are still fine. I knew things will go wrong the moment when I decide to give you my heart. They never fail to trample on it. It has always been like that. From day 1, I knew I was just a replacement. & until the end of it, I still am. Replacement of your loneliness, replacement of your image of your ideal girlfriend. Lastly, someone else is gonna replace me. I find myself the biggest joke how did I even believe I was his whole & that he wouldn't want anyone else to be with me. Whether rain or shine, he'll stand by me. I'm so ashamed of myself. 

How stupid of you sharlene, you're real dumb. & to those who backstab me, thank you. (: 

Goodbye.