They'll leave, eventually.

Last night was the time of my life I've come to realise whatever I thought would stay, wouldn't. No one is ever true to you & only you matter how ugly things have changed. So many years we've built this friendship for the longest time. Through the school days, the there-for-you times whenever someone is hit at their lowest times. Times when everything & anything that fails us, we always believed 3 of us doesn't change. 

Leaving me speechless when I was insulted with my honesty & my integrity. This is an argument that I wouldn't even bother to fight, bcos fighting would mean they won't understand you. Unfortunately no, they're suppose to be the ones who knows me inside out & knows what kind of person I alr am. I don't have to take extra effort to put on a pretense, I am always myself even at times I don't even feel like talking or just wanna be ridiculous. They know it all. They know exactly how Sharlene behaves and thinks, there is no reason why I've to explain myself for something I was accused of not feeling that way.

Everything has fallen. I was asked if the issues lies within myself. I gave my love to all that mattered to me, but look what I've gotten back in return. I'll never give my all like before anymore, it doesn't pay. Maybe the issues lies with me, maybe I'm not someone good enough to be. I thought I gave my all but I didn't. 

No one stays through the good & the bad times with you. You walk this ugly humanity path alone. Alone. 

Moving on.

So much so that I don't wish to type whatever I'm gonna do so, I've convinced myself to move on. It doesn't seem to have anything for me left to pin for anymore. 

I rlly want/need someone who's willing to be with me through the good & bad times. Willing to accept my flaws & loves me even at my ridiculous moments. I need him to be understanding enough & be supportive of me during my low periods. Ultimately, it just seems so tough to love me huh. Is this the kind of life I should deserve after trying so hard to be happy on my own? Fate is always playing me out. It starts to make me wonder is this all a joke. Haven't I suffered enough previously that I've to go through it again? Pls show some mercy, I've rlly so much strength to hold on. 

I just need a drama free life. A stable life consistently. Is it so tough to ask for? Need someone honest enough with me &  to love me for who I am. It's making me lose faith in finding the right one. I'm equally tired, they always fail me whether or not I love wholeheartedly. It doesn't pay, it's proven. 

Meant to be.

So... After saying so much, thank you for understanding me.

Love was never easy. It has to be nurtured the right way. The learning of love. 

Everything happened for a reason?

Finally I managed to pull through work this week. God knows what went through my mind all the time whether or not I'm at work or crying myself to bed. I've seen myself crying in the buses on the way to work & even travelling back home. I guess I couldn't hold it any longer after a day at work. Just to release out my emotions & I felt better crying harder once I'm home. 

Everyday's routine is like that lately, never fails. Hating to see myself not slping well & especially eating well. I haven't been eating for days. Trust me I tried to force myself eating but it only works one meal & that's it. Everything seems crumpling for me. My love life, my work. I got so depressed knowing no one appreciates my effort despite devoting my all. How many times I told myself I'm not gonna get so weak again. It makes me detestable cos I swear I did myself the impossible on getting on my feet out of my previous relationship. It only took months to be back square one, I guess people are laughing how hard I even try to be independent. So maybe I didn't change after the years, I'm just someone who needs people by my side backing me up. I need someone to hold on right to be whenever I seem falling, to understand & love me even at my ridiculous moments. I hate to tell myself, but deep down I know he doesn't love me enough. & that's one good reason why I shouldn't even try anymore. 

From the start, I never wanted this to end. I took in whatever faults he may find in me, I never expected myself forgiving the things that no one has ever said to me in my entire life, but I did. Then I realised that's bcos I love him. I'm always trying to cater to his demands. Wanting me to be the ideal girlfriend he's expecting. It's rlly draining me. I know it's definitely not working this way. Love is all about acceptance, compromising & communication. None of it was given to me. It was just all one sided. 

Everything that was said to me before wasn't applied to our current situation. Telling me how he's gonna make things right reading my tweets whenever things doesn't go our way. Telling me so long as I'm sure I'm gonna love him, he will be the one assuring he's the man of mine till the end. Telling me he wants to settle down but is not even making the effort to do so. Again, that's what all men do best promising without having the ability to do so. 

I know I've to stop & I know these are my limits I don't have the strength to go anywhere further alone. I'm fighting this war alone & got all stabbed with hurt. I can't go on anymore. I don't know why this rs has to come & wanna walk out of my life like that. If you were to let me choose, I'll choose not to have this bcos there's too much hurt, too much that I couldn't handle. It's breaking me apart. 

At the end of the day, I know how much I love this man & thankful for being the sweetest to me for that couple of months. I rlly felt like so blessed & showered with love. Words from the bottom of my heart never lies. 

Straightening thoughts.

I'm sorry if I've been blogging bout negative posts lately but I guess that's one form of helping myself feel better. 

Controlling my tears & trying to feel at my best whenever I'm at work is how I've been feeling for the past days. I keep telling myself no matter what happens, I should not let anything affect my performance at work. Unfortunately, for some reasons I do not know why, overheard colleague gossiping bout me rlly made me feel lousy. Nobody knew how hard I try to keep my tears away & the one I needed the most is always not there for me. 

I ask myself time & time again why did I indulge myself into matters but at the end of the day it doesn't pay. I've no one to blame but to always forgive & always having this soft spot for the ones I love. Now I ask myself, so is this all worth at the end of the day. 

Every time that negative thoughts screw in, I constantly tell myself so what if i found out he's got someone new, it's just a matter of time. Nobody knew how tough I've been telling myself to be strong. Whether or not I found love, I touch my heart & I know I gave my all. & if others doesn't appreciate me for loving, I know I've done my part. 

Many years passed, many times I've been heartbroken. I always believe I don't have to find love but when it reaches me, it fails again. I ask myself what exactly do I deserve all these treatments? I guess even my dogs at home treats me better. I've walked out of misery once, I'll do it again twice. I hope I don't have a third time. Wish me the best. 

Where dyou go?

This morning I woke up missing someone. Someone whom left me couple of months back. Someone who said he's gonna be there so long as I love  him. Someone who said he has the patience for me but didn't want me to take it for granted. Someone who would drive a u-turn just to show me how beautiful the moon was that night when we went out for movie. Someone who never fails to back me up. So much more he did for me, encouraging me that work's ending soon & the little letters he'll write for me. 

I couldn't explain myself what happened in between but this man was gone & I rlly missed him. Right now it feels like I haven't been important & all that treatment was only for a show. Everything's changed. It no longer only loving & compromising make him fight for me. I wasn't love for I am, I was made to compare with girls I don't even know who are they which claim to be better than me. I know i may not exactly be the ideal girl guy's look for, but each time I love strongly & sadly, it fails me. 

I'm supposed to be the most understanding girl, who doesn't have temper & this made me rlly suffocating. I begin to realise nobody's there to back me when I don't feel good bout smth. Then I guess it was better to be left alone, at least I could let it out. At least my friends are there to hear my reasons. 

I couldn't stay with someone who takes lightly of us all the time each time we argue. This rs is too damaging to mention break up all the time, thus I've decided to do it once & for all. I'm tearing as i type this entry but it'll be for the better I'm sure. I'm sure.