Everything happened for a reason?

Finally I managed to pull through work this week. God knows what went through my mind all the time whether or not I'm at work or crying myself to bed. I've seen myself crying in the buses on the way to work & even travelling back home. I guess I couldn't hold it any longer after a day at work. Just to release out my emotions & I felt better crying harder once I'm home. 

Everyday's routine is like that lately, never fails. Hating to see myself not slping well & especially eating well. I haven't been eating for days. Trust me I tried to force myself eating but it only works one meal & that's it. Everything seems crumpling for me. My love life, my work. I got so depressed knowing no one appreciates my effort despite devoting my all. How many times I told myself I'm not gonna get so weak again. It makes me detestable cos I swear I did myself the impossible on getting on my feet out of my previous relationship. It only took months to be back square one, I guess people are laughing how hard I even try to be independent. So maybe I didn't change after the years, I'm just someone who needs people by my side backing me up. I need someone to hold on right to be whenever I seem falling, to understand & love me even at my ridiculous moments. I hate to tell myself, but deep down I know he doesn't love me enough. & that's one good reason why I shouldn't even try anymore. 

From the start, I never wanted this to end. I took in whatever faults he may find in me, I never expected myself forgiving the things that no one has ever said to me in my entire life, but I did. Then I realised that's bcos I love him. I'm always trying to cater to his demands. Wanting me to be the ideal girlfriend he's expecting. It's rlly draining me. I know it's definitely not working this way. Love is all about acceptance, compromising & communication. None of it was given to me. It was just all one sided. 

Everything that was said to me before wasn't applied to our current situation. Telling me how he's gonna make things right reading my tweets whenever things doesn't go our way. Telling me so long as I'm sure I'm gonna love him, he will be the one assuring he's the man of mine till the end. Telling me he wants to settle down but is not even making the effort to do so. Again, that's what all men do best promising without having the ability to do so. 

I know I've to stop & I know these are my limits I don't have the strength to go anywhere further alone. I'm fighting this war alone & got all stabbed with hurt. I can't go on anymore. I don't know why this rs has to come & wanna walk out of my life like that. If you were to let me choose, I'll choose not to have this bcos there's too much hurt, too much that I couldn't handle. It's breaking me apart. 

At the end of the day, I know how much I love this man & thankful for being the sweetest to me for that couple of months. I rlly felt like so blessed & showered with love. Words from the bottom of my heart never lies.