To the next beautiful love.

Bid the last goodbye.

I cried with all my remaining strength I could to tell myself to stop loving this man I thought I knew. Today, I kissed each of these with my eyes shut & tears rolling down to bid the last goodbye. Goodbye to the man, I never knew. Never knew how heartless he'll be abusing the trust I gave him. 

I used to always tell my friends how grateful I have him being honest with me. I feel carefree when I can always allow him go wherever he wants just informing me he's out with friends. All that has happened, he's just one of them that I couldn't trust anymore. All along I only knew our issues could always be solved if we wanted to. I guess this is the fate that allows me to see his true self when things got ugly. 

Why too is it my fault knowing the truth when I was told? Why was I blame when nobody knew how much I struggled knowing I was being lied right in my face from the one who's suppose to matter the most? The times when I was critised & discrimination hurting my pride, has anyone ever know how I feel deep down despite the fact that I know the truth. 

If always being there no matter how tired I am during the night doesn't shows how much I could love. Every night that I've never rejected watching running man, going for supper when you complain you're hungry again, & to just even sit in the dining watch you eat no matter how tired I am, shows I'm someone you will never want to meet breaks my heart hearing you say. 

& if each time you'll say you're feeling down/stress at work that I always try to be there for you as much as I could to show you my support is being considered the worst girlfriend, tell me what should I do. Of all the times that we've argued, you blame me for ordering the wrong food & all I could do is to sit there silently to cry after having a day at work, how did I forgive you when you hug me & apologised. 

Through the times when I've ever right reason to be angry with you, you didn't show the slightest compromise & in turn compared me with your ex that she wouldn't behave like how I did. 

All that I've done, cabbing in the middle of the night to your place bcos I'm worried of your fever was one of my worst night ever. I've never swallowed so much insult when all I did was to care for you. So much so much tears that I shed for you, look what you've done to destroy me. 

Every single moment that we're tgt, believing or not. I've cherished the times all I could. I've always been thankful with all the showering of love when things are still fine. I knew things will go wrong the moment when I decide to give you my heart. They never fail to trample on it. It has always been like that. From day 1, I knew I was just a replacement. & until the end of it, I still am. Replacement of your loneliness, replacement of your image of your ideal girlfriend. Lastly, someone else is gonna replace me. I find myself the biggest joke how did I even believe I was his whole & that he wouldn't want anyone else to be with me. Whether rain or shine, he'll stand by me. I'm so ashamed of myself. 

How stupid of you sharlene, you're real dumb. & to those who backstab me, thank you. (: 

Goodbye.

They'll leave, eventually.

Last night was the time of my life I've come to realise whatever I thought would stay, wouldn't. No one is ever true to you & only you matter how ugly things have changed. So many years we've built this friendship for the longest time. Through the school days, the there-for-you times whenever someone is hit at their lowest times. Times when everything & anything that fails us, we always believed 3 of us doesn't change. 

Leaving me speechless when I was insulted with my honesty & my integrity. This is an argument that I wouldn't even bother to fight, bcos fighting would mean they won't understand you. Unfortunately no, they're suppose to be the ones who knows me inside out & knows what kind of person I alr am. I don't have to take extra effort to put on a pretense, I am always myself even at times I don't even feel like talking or just wanna be ridiculous. They know it all. They know exactly how Sharlene behaves and thinks, there is no reason why I've to explain myself for something I was accused of not feeling that way.

Everything has fallen. I was asked if the issues lies within myself. I gave my love to all that mattered to me, but look what I've gotten back in return. I'll never give my all like before anymore, it doesn't pay. Maybe the issues lies with me, maybe I'm not someone good enough to be. I thought I gave my all but I didn't. 

No one stays through the good & the bad times with you. You walk this ugly humanity path alone. Alone. 

Moving on.

So much so that I don't wish to type whatever I'm gonna do so, I've convinced myself to move on. It doesn't seem to have anything for me left to pin for anymore. 

I rlly want/need someone who's willing to be with me through the good & bad times. Willing to accept my flaws & loves me even at my ridiculous moments. I need him to be understanding enough & be supportive of me during my low periods. Ultimately, it just seems so tough to love me huh. Is this the kind of life I should deserve after trying so hard to be happy on my own? Fate is always playing me out. It starts to make me wonder is this all a joke. Haven't I suffered enough previously that I've to go through it again? Pls show some mercy, I've rlly so much strength to hold on. 

I just need a drama free life. A stable life consistently. Is it so tough to ask for? Need someone honest enough with me &  to love me for who I am. It's making me lose faith in finding the right one. I'm equally tired, they always fail me whether or not I love wholeheartedly. It doesn't pay, it's proven. 

Meant to be.

So... After saying so much, thank you for understanding me.

Love was never easy. It has to be nurtured the right way. The learning of love. 

Everything happened for a reason?

Finally I managed to pull through work this week. God knows what went through my mind all the time whether or not I'm at work or crying myself to bed. I've seen myself crying in the buses on the way to work & even travelling back home. I guess I couldn't hold it any longer after a day at work. Just to release out my emotions & I felt better crying harder once I'm home. 

Everyday's routine is like that lately, never fails. Hating to see myself not slping well & especially eating well. I haven't been eating for days. Trust me I tried to force myself eating but it only works one meal & that's it. Everything seems crumpling for me. My love life, my work. I got so depressed knowing no one appreciates my effort despite devoting my all. How many times I told myself I'm not gonna get so weak again. It makes me detestable cos I swear I did myself the impossible on getting on my feet out of my previous relationship. It only took months to be back square one, I guess people are laughing how hard I even try to be independent. So maybe I didn't change after the years, I'm just someone who needs people by my side backing me up. I need someone to hold on right to be whenever I seem falling, to understand & love me even at my ridiculous moments. I hate to tell myself, but deep down I know he doesn't love me enough. & that's one good reason why I shouldn't even try anymore. 

From the start, I never wanted this to end. I took in whatever faults he may find in me, I never expected myself forgiving the things that no one has ever said to me in my entire life, but I did. Then I realised that's bcos I love him. I'm always trying to cater to his demands. Wanting me to be the ideal girlfriend he's expecting. It's rlly draining me. I know it's definitely not working this way. Love is all about acceptance, compromising & communication. None of it was given to me. It was just all one sided. 

Everything that was said to me before wasn't applied to our current situation. Telling me how he's gonna make things right reading my tweets whenever things doesn't go our way. Telling me so long as I'm sure I'm gonna love him, he will be the one assuring he's the man of mine till the end. Telling me he wants to settle down but is not even making the effort to do so. Again, that's what all men do best promising without having the ability to do so. 

I know I've to stop & I know these are my limits I don't have the strength to go anywhere further alone. I'm fighting this war alone & got all stabbed with hurt. I can't go on anymore. I don't know why this rs has to come & wanna walk out of my life like that. If you were to let me choose, I'll choose not to have this bcos there's too much hurt, too much that I couldn't handle. It's breaking me apart. 

At the end of the day, I know how much I love this man & thankful for being the sweetest to me for that couple of months. I rlly felt like so blessed & showered with love. Words from the bottom of my heart never lies.