When tears rolling became a routine

I've broken down in public again today while I was on the train back home from class. Tried so hard to hold back my tears in the midst of class thinking bout what the surgeon said of boyboy's condition. 

Drove all the way to jurong to speak to boyboy's surgeon. Unfortunately it's pretty much pointless cos his cancer cells is gonna grow rapidly even with the removal. We're working on his chemotherapy now but there are just too much measures to take. I've pages of pages of guidelines & protocols to read up. Things I've need to be aware on how toxins the therapy is gonna be. Wearing of gloves when handling his poops/pees & making sure my other animals doesn't come in contact with them. Discarding bedsheets with leakage of his pee as well. There's so much commitment & not mentioning how much are these gonna cost. 

Just speaking with the surgeon alone this morn cost me 180bucks. & im looking at weeks of blood tests / urine tests / ultrasounds / chemo protocols etc etc... 

I'm seriously exhausted. & yet the surgeon is telling me my boy's left with a couple of months after so much that we are doing. My studies are equally frustrating trying to keep up.  ARGH.

I don't know what else more I can do to make him a happy boy. All I could was to hug him in my arms tonight & my tears start rolling again. I just wanna hold on tighter. 

Tighter to keep him close. 

We know the day's gonna come.

We just don't wish to. 

I wanna scream.

I've so many motherfucking problems coming up lately rlly. 

Every single night that I sleep, there are 101 worries up in my head I just couldn't sleep in. 

It's tough catching up with classes that I've missed while I was away, the modules are one of the more taxing ones. I've got no idea what alien language lecturers are talking bout. 

Thanks to my off day, I've finally manage to settle personal matters. Spent 2hrs just over the phone with my dog's general vet. & then separately to ring up another specialist surgeon to make an appt. Extremely grateful to my manager's understanding for allowing me to take last min's urgent leave for 2 days to handle my dog's issue. 

This is rlly stressful I just couldn't work/study well. At the same time, I've family issues to deal with. 

Everyday it's bout whether my dog is gonna eat or not. & every morn that I wake up, I'm worrying until I'm home from work to see if my dog eats for the day. If he does, it feels like I've lifted a huge rock on my shoulder FOR THE DAY. The cycle continues daily.

It's a lot of mental strength that I've to manage & learning how to balance all of them tgt. I'm sure there must be a way out, but for now I'm praying for a miracle. 

It breaks me to see how frail boyboy looks everyday. It's becoming worse. & I found white poops in the kitchen aft I came home frm school earlier on.

White poops. 

WHAT ARE WHITE POOPS. 

I've never seen anything like that in my entire life.

I'm losing it. I've lost it.

I wanna scream I'm breaking it. 

花莲Hualien - Taiwan

Couldn't get a good rest only until Sunday bcos I came back falling sick due to too much oily food frm Taiwan. 

Only to come back to reality of classes & work wasn't helping & of cos to take care of boyboy especially. 

Shall talk bout my taiwan's trip several of my friends has been asking for. 

So... Welcome to hualien:

I think hualien is def an awesome place to visit especially if you love the sea. The sea breeze is spectacular. My accomodation was beautiful with the balcony accompanied with the view like that:

My all time fave milk tea frm the convenience stall. I even buy them back to sg after my trip:

Hualien isn't exactly big. They still have their own night market with yummy food too. Something diff bout the night market is that, you enjoy the huge mountains wherever you go:

The agency we've got had bicycles to rent for free. We cycled this little small town to explore. Feels refreshing roaming around like that with the good weather. 

We were extremely tired from the time we touch down at taoyuan airport. We had a midnight flight aft a long day of work & it was suppose to be our beauty slp in the plane. Unfortunately we all couldn't slp well so we went round slping at Taiwan. The train to hualien was long enough to catch more sleep. It was a 4hrs journey from Taipei main station. 

Have been anticipating our whale sightseeing. We had to wake up as early as 7am while the driver picked us to the jetty. The view again is awesome:

I didn't had awesome pictures but many videos instead. I posted one where the dolphins are having fun dancing with the waves on my ig & fb. There were EXTREMELY many dolphins I couldn't even have time to video them left & right. 

The sea breeze was breathtaking. I was telling my friends just let me throw in all of my worries & workload into this endless blue sea. I felt so good. 

We were v fortunate. After the Dolphins sightings we went further up the sea to see if we've luck to spot some whales. And we did. I've read up bout the reviews, not all the times you get to see the whales. We've found a pair. The female whale was huge. According to the guide, they were swimming around & ready to mate. It was extraordinary. However, it really looked quite scary bcos of their size. I had a poorly taken photo of the female whale tho:

&I another poorly taken of the super cutesy dolphins. However my videos are rlly awesome:

Decided to cycle to 七星潭 for its famous pretty beach but we totally regretted it. The hot sun didn't spare mercy. & I was badly burnt. Zzzzxxx

The view is still good tho:

Continued my beauty slp on the train again to Taichung. Joey & Liting ordered 便当 while I went back to sleep for hours again. 

Goodbye hualien, you've been wonderful. Go hualien only if you like scenery, people like huangliting prefers the city. She can't live without her phone :/

This poodle is also taking the train as us. He's gonna sit in that yellow bag & goes up the train too. 

Totally digging in:

& THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE:

Ending my hualien's post. 

冷血動物

我終於恍然大悟 不再上訴
只怪自己愛上的是一個 冷血動物 

Maybe cheating seems too easy these days.
Even people around me seem happy or doesn't feel affected bout it.

I didn;t keep you exactly close. 
Pushing you away was easy. 
You were never part of my life anws. 
I gave you respect for my family.
You don't try & get my empathy making it look like you;re one big victim.

It was never my couz' lost. 
Look what ive found out & seeing you seek attention 
Rlly disgusts me. PUI
After being tgt for the longest time, 
you said you fell for someone else. 
Claimed it was my couz who didnt make the effort.
Did that occur to you when you were on the bed
With someone else? 
& that you returned to my couz' home?
You horrible being, 
You;ve got your conscience eaten up. 
I can't tell how diff are you from selling your bod.
You;re probably worst than them,
You're doing it for free.

& then you use lowdown social apps to know guys
Well, thanks to you for being cheap.
I then found out how my ex behaves like you
You people are amazing.
For making me realise how disgusting you guys are.

Though it always hurts knowing the truth,
it'll always do us good by waking up.
What a letdown. What a huge fucking letdown you people are.
I'll never look at these people the same way ever again.

It doesn't matter how painful is this slap
That's for slapping myself to realise i dont belong there either. 
& that wasn't the person whom i thought i loved for. 

When reality bites hard

Finally I can hug my babies after a long trip back. My flight got delayed due to the bad weather. 

Nothing is worth more to come home to see how's my precious doing. Thanks to the parents who has been updating me with many photos & it rlly worked wonders.

Boyboy's condition is always kept at the back of my mind all the time. I'm rlly vexed & I couldn't focus right on anything. He's not eating but he's not moving a lot. It aches extremely badly on his poor condition. There's just nothing I can help to improve on this situation. At times, I just wanna scream it out loud. I can't describe how vexed I am but I'm rlly lost. I can't stop tearing every night looking how frail he is. 

The top wish on my sky lantern was the very first wish I wrote. I just wanted it so badly. Anw writing with brushes aint that easy:

School has also started. There's so much to catch the moving train. I've friends who has been asking bout my Taiwan's trip itinerary. It's not a well planned one but I'll try to get it up done when I've time. 

We learn to let go regardless

I'm typing this post after having a busy schedule of my Taiwan trip today. 

I'm deadbeat but I thought I'll pen some thoughts before I head to bed for another long day tmr.

This is not the first night I'm crying bcos mama said boyboy's not eating again. So much that I wish I could do or help him feel better, there's really nth much I can do. 

I know I'm losing him soon. I knew it exactly but dear Heavenly Father, I beg you. I can be on my knees to beg even more. I just wish he's feeling better. 

Please. I love him. I love my one & only denzyboy. Amen.

Hardwell@Meadow by the bay

Finally finally finally, I'm ready for this. Waited from dinner to supper. I'm still loving their soup I can't stop:

Coffee boost at day job, redbull boost at night. Thanks to my manager for making me the ic of the busiest bar! It was just directly facing the public entrance & we've got slammed quite bad. What's worst, my buddies weren't working with me :( 

Still, the music was awesome like always.

It was a scorching hot day... Till night.

Brought back printers from Mbs to zouk. Waited for my pay, zouk was sardine pack I hardly made it just to take a cuppa coke. Cabbed home with Joey & HSH.

Steamed some Japanese sweet potatoes for the darlings at home, they loved it! (:

Midweek on leave feels especially good!

Purposely took leave today to join the fam for mothers' day lunch at tampines 1 for dim sum. I guess I was the only grandchildren & my younger cousin who just ended his school. Had a good session with the fam & my aunts are crazily excited over my Sulwhasoo recommendation. There goes my travel packs & samples. 

Bought macs for dad while he's on leave at home. Brought the dogs down for a afternoon stroll. My leave is well paid of before I leave for Taiwan next week. 

Happy mothers' day:

Spoke to the vet the other day & we need to discuss what's the best decision for boyboy. Whatever it is, I hope he's not gonna suffer much. You'll be my hero boy. 

Every minute of thanksgiving.

While I still can,

Thankyou for being there:

Sacrificed my beauty sleep for her karaoke cravings until 3am. We almost died for a rainy night. Ah yes, sorry for my bare face:

Ended my wkend for a BBQ night with the zoukies. Feels good to have so many of us gathering tgt spending endless laughter. It's a well spent Sunday. 

Stay gold.

"Never apologize for showing feelings, when you do so you apologize for the truth." - Benjamin Disraeli

It's always me. Even if it takes to throw all of my chips, nothing's gonna eat in my conscience to be honest with myself. 

It's okay to be losing

It's okay to cry to sleep

& go through the same process everyday

Bcos I did with a genuine agenda 

I said it with my heart.

So long as I stay pure,

I can handle all dirty. 

The unknown world is never gonna corrupt me

The boys are not gonna trample 

There's just too much dirty truth

I was too blinded with ignorance

I've already don't know which is the real him

It's either he sound so soft

Or he scolds me like I'm nothing

Insomnia/gastric/weeping/migraine is a recovery

It's healing

Sharlene will heal. 

He lied.

This is the same old storyline. 

Just someone different. 

Once, I ever loved this man for years. 

This man that I've spent much commitment building the best.

Till one day, I've read about her. 

& then I asked him. He lied.

Repeatedly asking again, this time telling him how I've found about her. 

He chose to lie again.

& I left.

I gave myself a good break. 

There came 2 bad boys. 

I knew it's not them. 

& I left. 

Couple of years later.

I met this other man. 

Someone seems to be the one.

Those bad boys didn't ask for the future.

I gave my all after so long.

He questions my past. 

Doubts my character. 

Discriminate my friends. 

But all I ask for was he to love me.

He walked away,

Leaving me broken. 

& he left me feeling sore each time

I wake up from a nightmare.

I wanted to be who I was.

Right before I met this other man.

To be as carefree.

Living as an individual isn't too bad.

He texted me one night.

He asked for another chance.

It's the same punchline.

I gave it to him anyway. 

It didn't take long,

For him to realise

That he ultimately didn't love me as we thought. 

He's gone again.

Breaking me twice was bad. 

For a mistake he made

And me to suffer more.

I just wanted to breakfree.

He said he wanted to be there

No matter what happens.

I thought it was too complex.

I wanted him near but it's not helping.

His promises sounded Iike echoes.

Late nights I'll do the memories 

I'm counting down such late nights

I thought I'm coping right 

Until something else crashed me

My dog is leaving

My friend texted me news about him

I collapsed.

Absent myself from work

I just wanted to be alone

I'll just finish the boxes of tissues

I'll wipe my tears dry myself 

I see how much my dog is suffering

I wipe my tears again,

While changing his diapers for him.

I wipe them again,

When I bring the dogs down for a stroll

I had belated birthday dinners to attend

I'm a sucker for holding back my tears

I'm a loser when my appetite's gone

But I'm learning again,

He's not what he deserve to be.

He's not there again when he said to be for the second time. 

He's lying. 

Everything that he said was obviously 

A huge lie. A pack of them.

I've read every word but he lied again.

He's just another cheater. 

Just lemme heal all over again 

This time round, to be tougher.

To embrace what's left for me & my dog.