How long does it take?

Today I cried again. Out loud. Shouting "很痛" as I cried it all out. Keep repeating this until I finally fall asleep again after being tired of crying. Gawd, I swear I don't wanna be weak. If being weak now is gonna make me grow stronger, I guess I've no choice but to do it the hard way. 

I admit I feel insecure & empty. I know I can always confide with someone but I chose not to. Cos I find it disgusting if someone ends a rs & looks for another companion to fill that emptiness within. & thats not genuine love. So I tell myself, if it's gonna look so disgusting, I'm not gonna do that even though everyone might think I'm silly being emotional here. 

I get into a rs believing it's fate that brought us together. & this makes me cherish every moment with him cos i wanna believe everything is genuinely true. Only getting into another rs after 3 years is only for a reason. I don't wanna get myself hurt when I know it's not gonna work. There're guys I've met & feel for after detaching myself from a long commitment. I tell myself if things are alr unstable, nothing promising is gonna happen in the near future. I've been reflecting bout myself. Thinking why would I receive judgement bout how indecent I am. Saying I get into temporary flings. I touched my heart & search for answers. I haven't done anything that pricks my conscience & I'm very sure of that. 

I don't get replacements, I don't seek for another companion whenever I feel empty or lonely. I just want my friends who are true to me to be there. I'll built myself walls at night asking why are these happening to me. & I stubbornly want to abide my own values & principles. 

Though my rs has ended this time round. I touched my heart & know deep down I've loved who he was when things hasn't changed & that I've put my heart & soul into it which explains why I am so broken tonight. Vice versa, if someone's moving along too quickly, what does it says bout someone? 

Gdnight.