Straightening thoughts.

I'm sorry if I've been blogging bout negative posts lately but I guess that's one form of helping myself feel better. 

Controlling my tears & trying to feel at my best whenever I'm at work is how I've been feeling for the past days. I keep telling myself no matter what happens, I should not let anything affect my performance at work. Unfortunately, for some reasons I do not know why, overheard colleague gossiping bout me rlly made me feel lousy. Nobody knew how hard I try to keep my tears away & the one I needed the most is always not there for me. 

I ask myself time & time again why did I indulge myself into matters but at the end of the day it doesn't pay. I've no one to blame but to always forgive & always having this soft spot for the ones I love. Now I ask myself, so is this all worth at the end of the day. 

Every time that negative thoughts screw in, I constantly tell myself so what if i found out he's got someone new, it's just a matter of time. Nobody knew how tough I've been telling myself to be strong. Whether or not I found love, I touch my heart & I know I gave my all. & if others doesn't appreciate me for loving, I know I've done my part. 

Many years passed, many times I've been heartbroken. I always believe I don't have to find love but when it reaches me, it fails again. I ask myself what exactly do I deserve all these treatments? I guess even my dogs at home treats me better. I've walked out of misery once, I'll do it again twice. I hope I don't have a third time. Wish me the best. 

Where dyou go?

This morning I woke up missing someone. Someone whom left me couple of months back. Someone who said he's gonna be there so long as I love  him. Someone who said he has the patience for me but didn't want me to take it for granted. Someone who would drive a u-turn just to show me how beautiful the moon was that night when we went out for movie. Someone who never fails to back me up. So much more he did for me, encouraging me that work's ending soon & the little letters he'll write for me. 

I couldn't explain myself what happened in between but this man was gone & I rlly missed him. Right now it feels like I haven't been important & all that treatment was only for a show. Everything's changed. It no longer only loving & compromising make him fight for me. I wasn't love for I am, I was made to compare with girls I don't even know who are they which claim to be better than me. I know i may not exactly be the ideal girl guy's look for, but each time I love strongly & sadly, it fails me. 

I'm supposed to be the most understanding girl, who doesn't have temper & this made me rlly suffocating. I begin to realise nobody's there to back me when I don't feel good bout smth. Then I guess it was better to be left alone, at least I could let it out. At least my friends are there to hear my reasons. 

I couldn't stay with someone who takes lightly of us all the time each time we argue. This rs is too damaging to mention break up all the time, thus I've decided to do it once & for all. I'm tearing as i type this entry but it'll be for the better I'm sure. I'm sure. 

Work paid off.

Today marks the day of appraisal for the year before. So thankful my hard work has been paid off. Thank God for all that I went through, finally been appreciated. Hoping for a fatter bonus this year! 

Cny new notes craze is almost over, I'm all prepared for the festive. Cant wait for the reunion dinners & bonding with love ones. Haven't taken any off days nor leaves during the whole period of crazy crowd in the bank, gonna last through all of it & have a good rest. 

Gonna township my farm goodbye! 

Start of the month of work.

& this is how I feel like everyday at work:

I've alr complained enough bout work. Everything's unfair but we all learn to suck it up. Work is so tedious everyday & it's also the most worrying part of the period each year for all banks. These crowd just keep coming in whether or nt the queue is lining out of the branch, without fail. My hands are like machines it just can't afford to stop counting. At the end of the day, I get cuts all over me. Bruises that I knock at every corner at my workplace. My arms feeling all sore counting the cash, damn.

I've been slping a lot lately, due to work of course. Even on Saturday when I've half a day at work, I slept through my Saturday evening though I was meeting baby. I was lethargic for anything else.

Fortunately Sunday morning got better. Baby gotten me an owl to hug as I was always complaining I've no one to hug in the car while he's driving. Gotten me a rlly sweet cutie pie that's in sucha huggable size while he was working. (: Hence I got so attached I decided to bring pinky along for our Sunday shopping:

Redo my nails again, hopefully this is gonna lasts me till cny:

It was quite a fruitful trip to town last wkend. Had pretty much things done on our wkend. Here's my babyboy trying to be funny teaching pinky how to learn driving:

Managed to leave earlier at work today & quickly gotten my hair trim. I guess I'm ready for the festive! Let's pray it's gonna be all smooth sailing this year. 

2014

 

I thought I'll say smth about the new year. Moving forward to my 24th has taught me a lot. I guess the previous year wasn't too bad for me. 

Work was what occupied me most of the time & couldn't be more thankful for those that came into my life. Living the way we all wanted didn't come easy. I hope I've achieved smth through the year.

There goes again to the new beginning. Friends that stayed, I'm thankful & I know deep down how much y'all mean to me.

Thankful how y'all always make time when I needed y'all & how y'all showed concern for me all the time. 

Pinning the highest hopes this year, I would studies & work would come in place. It's gonna be a busy year ahead I'm sure. Wishing the best health for my animals at home too. Wishing the best for you & I. Fingers crossed. 

Gdnight. 

"You deserve it."

I've been thinking of the words used on me lately.

"You're fucking the worst girlfriend ever."

"You're so difficult to love."

"Go find someone who can accept your attitude everyday."

I never had anyone who would ever use such words on me. I've been forgiving & trying to forget all of the negative comments I get each time we argued. I've got the worst. 

I guess it was the last straw that I finally realised no matter how I try to forgive, these words will not stop coming. 

I've spent hours thinking why do I even deserve to be judge like that. To be compared with girls that I hadn't even seen. To always make me feel lousy & inferior. Nobody actually knows all these deep down has been affecting me a lot. I try to always convince myself he didn't mean this way but does anyone out there knows how much these words have cut me deeply?

Never on earth did anyone ever said such harsh & ugly words to say me. I've done nothing utterly wrong. The cut on my hand makes my heart break even more each time I've been reminded of. I wish you could understand my pain. Unfortunately no. This thus proven bout my decision. I've no reason to keep someone who always uses such words to discriminate me like I'm the worst person on earth, & not there for me when he's the reason why I'm not eating.

Couldn't believe what you've said that night, but I'm not anyone to be judge with anyone else. You're not here to love.

& lastly, I don't deserve it. 

Now & forever?

I wish those hurtful words ever meant for me. I wish things never changed. I wish I'll never stop feeling important cos I've never knew I could mean so much. I wish someone would hear me out & understand me. I wish... to be a happier person. 

I'll stop wishing.